The Conscience of Abe’s Turn freedom of speech, defense, and life

Hey, you. Clyde here.

Well, this is my first blog post. I’m not really a writer, but Tim asked us to post once in a while. So he set up a blog for each of us at the Abe’s Turn web site, and left me with the job of showing everyone how to use it! (Gee, thanks, Tim. Like I’m not busy enough as it is.) (Just kidding.)

So the first thing was to think about what to write. I read a lot of blogs, but believe it or not I’ve never written for one before. Since this is just a personal blog, I thought I’d harp on something that bugs me whenever I go to a cookout.

Now, I love my friends. And I love it when they ask me over to eat. And I would never tell this to them to their face, but why do people always grill these wonderful hamburgers, and then they expect me to smother it in ketchup and mustard. Most people don’t know this, but the hamburger is one of the most versatile of sandwiches. And I’m not just talking about adding cheese, pickles, or even chili. These are all yummy in their own right. Yet the simple, oft-neglected hamburger can be easily made into a delectable culinary masterpiece, just by creative topping selection.

• mayo & pepper - This is a simple standard, which I got from Alton Brown’s excellent show Good Eats. I only mention it because most people have never tried it! And they certainly don’t set out the mayo and pepper at cookouts. Spread a layer of mayo and grind on several grinds of fresh black pepper. Add the burger, whose juices will combine with the mayo and pepper to make a great sauce as a base. Then you can add your ketchup, mustard, pickles, lettuce, tomato, or whatever. Or just eat it like that.

• Howard’s Hot Pepper Relish - You can get this in the New England area, in the condiment section of your favorite grocery. I don’t know if you can find it elsewhere. It isn’t really spicy, but it’s quite flavorful. Sweet, and a little tangy. Mix it with a little mayo for a creamy variation that will make your mouth water just thinking about it.

• buffalo sauce and blue cheese dressing - Buffalo sauce ain’t just for chicken. This is one of my favorites, actually. Spicy and tangy. I like to spread blue cheese dressing on the lower bun, put the hamburger patty on top, and then slather on a bunch of buffalo sauce.

• seafood cocktail sauce - This is another one of those sauces, like buffalo sauce, that can be repurposed nicely for use on a hamburger. It adds a sweetness you usually don’t expect from a burger, but which works really well. Want proof? If you want to make a simple cocktail sauce, here’s how: Mix equal parts horseradish and ketchup. Hey, if ketchup works on a burger, adding a little horseradish can’t screw it up that bad.

• horseradish & mayo - We put this on roast beef all the time. Why not on ground beef? I don’t know, because it tastes great. You can also experiment with French’s GourMayo-brand gourmet mayonnaises. My favorite is the Wasabe-Horseradish, because it works equally well on beef (including burgers) and on poultry.

• sour cream & avocado - The classic dip combination works on a burger, too. This isn’t my favorite, as I still think it works best with rippled potato chips. But for those times when I want something different, but still palatable, this hits the spot. Also try sour cream & onion.

• thin-sliced onions & tomatoes in a simple vinaigrette, topped with feta cheese, best served open-face - This is more like a hamburger salad. In fact, why not forget the bun, use lettuce, and make it into a hamburger salad? Hmm… I’ve actually never tried that before. Sounds like a good idea.

• salsa - The fastest growing condiment in the U.S. (Or at least it was the last I heard.) And it’s good for… what? Corn chips? And that’s it? No way!

• tomato sauce & Parmesan - Hamburger Parmesan anyone?

• ranch dressing - A cool, smooth variation. So… What does a cool ranch taste like?

• pepperoni & pepperjack - Hey, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it! This is definitely spicy. So if you don’t like spicy food, then maybe it’s okay to knock it, even if you haven’t tried it. But otherwise… Believe it or not, pepperoni and pepperjack go together nicely.

Of course, you can always add lettuce, tomato, onion, cheddar, or whatever. There are infinite variations to the otherwise humble hamburger patty. The next time you fix yourself one of these classic American sandwiches, consider throwing in a little twist.

What’s your favorite unusual hamburger topping?